The Way She Feels

She felt confident as she went onto the field to perform. Now, as she went through the routine, she began to question her confidence. Barely the end of the show, she was out of breath and shaking from exhaustion. The judge didn't help her pridicament, closing in on her and following her with his eyes, speaking into his recorder.
At the end of the show, she was hot, dripping sweat, and exhausted. She knew they had not done well, as did the rest of her team. But they pushed it all behind them and sat in the stands as another and final team showed up for the competition. Then, the awards.
"In third place..." Rang the annoucer's voice as they were mentioned for every award. Her eyes grew wide with disbelief. Third place? He's going to be majorly ticked... She thought, though unallowed to speak while at attention for award presentation.
"Be proud of who you are." One upperclassman advised.
"It's not so bad, really." Another encouraged. Still, everyone was in a foul mood, especially after the rain had soaked them thoroughly. Third place all around; never in their history had they ever received third place in anything...


She sits on the bus now, still in uniform and on the way home. The bus is dark and cold; another steady rain is falling down. No one is joking now, like they did on the bus ride to the competition. Everyone has received a depressed and angry disposition. They talk constantly about last year, and what all the did wrong, and how much they hated a certain member of the team. No longer were they reciting the music they had learned, but instead were singing the music of despair.
Plip. A drop of rain had entered the bus, and was splattering onto her head. Plip, plip.
"Size does matter!" Someone mentioned. "When have you seen a Class A rank first overall?"
"And she was always out of step, too!" Another remarked angrily, right beside her. "Last year we were much better..."
Keep your snide comments to yourself! And stop talking about 'last year,' it's here and now, not past. She wanted to scream, but sorrow and anger clung to her throat. She would not scream; all she wanted to do was lie in bed and think of nothing but peaceful slumber.
Plip, plip. A flashing light from the bus in front, a strobe light, made all the trees whizzing by look like slow motion. An eerie effect. Plip, plip.
I hate that stupid, stupid raindrop, the talk of last year and how bad we did, and I hate that strobe light! She screamed in her mind. She sat, gloomily, in her seat the remainder of the bus ride. Now there's only tomorrow... and I have to work on homework and then Monday. He'll yell at us for sure...

YEP- nope

There's this thing at some mall near here called the Youth Escort Policy. Yeah, that's where people under 18 have to have an adult escort at all times.
STUPID! That's like the last thing we want...

Heavy Sorrow

I've been so naive
To think I could be happy
When someone dies or leaves
Never could I realize
The sorrows could be so heavy...

It takes time to move on
From such a loss,
Trying to cope with life
Without them being there
It's so hard to go on
Without someone so close

My ignorance has blinded me
Into thinking I wouldn't cry
But I know now
I would definitely shed a tear
When they leave forever...


However, it's easier for me
If that person who's died
Was a Christian,
So I would know I'd see them again,
Next time in a perfect place
With no sorrow, pain, death.
It just makes me feel better that way...

*I haven't lost anyone,
I've just been contemplating
All the sorrows in the world...*

Oh, the lies

Dude this is a total lie. You can only get HEALTHY THIN by exercising and EATING RIGHT (as in like fruits, veggies, bread, etc.). Starvation is not perfection. It's really sad and horrible. To starve yourself is just punishment. And another thing: do these girls look HAPPY? No.

Anorexia is a lie, and thin is not everything.

Trash

I was watching the Insider today (ok, not that I do it all the time, there was nothing else to watch and I didn't feel like doing much else... oh whatever) and saw how people would pay big money to take pictures of celeb's babies. Thats at least millions of dollars out the window! It could be used for numerous charities, but instead it went to something unproductive. Yeah, so what if they were the "most anticipated baby photos" or something, so what if the whole world wanted to see them, they'd see the pictures eventually. But the world can't wait apparently, so some people decide to spend millions of dollars to see and take photos of the babies. At least some people put the money toward charity...

Societal Pressure (Girls)

Society says BE THIN above all esle, because skinny is BEAUTIFUL. And if you're not, then you're NOT POPULAR. Girls must wear MAKEUP and have a BOYFRIEND to be noticed. Intelligence DOESN'T MATTER anymore. The smart girls are unpopular geeks and nerds. If you're popular, you must be FASHION AWARE. The latest styles are tight, low cut shirts and skinny jeans. Every other style is OUT and large sizes are for FAT GIRLS. Nothing matters, not even going to COLLEGE. The boys go after popular RICH girls with perfect SEX APPEAL and nothing more. The good guys are taken, and all others left for SCAVENGERS. Also, society says expensive is IN. Poor girls aren't COOL. In fact, the only popular girls are STUCK UP and SELFISH. Unfortunately, society WORSHIPS the popular girl and shoves others to the bottom of the SOCIAL LADDER.

*I totally don't agree with this, it just occurred to me as I was looking for a picture in a magazine for me to draw. That's when I noticed this pattern. This is what society says about girls.*

Wanting to escape

I hate it that the only way I can escape is through music and solitude. When I'm so mad at my brother, it doesn't help that I can't leave, walk away from the problem as mom says. She makes it sound so easy, but it's not. She doesn't know the experience of being the oldest of three kids. As an only child, she's never had that experience, and doesn't know how hard it is to just walk away from a problem directly involving you.

Here's my way to escape for good:
Fake my death. I might do that sometime, and eventually get a new identity. The birth certificate I could get someone to fake as well, and I could live comfortably without the problems of the world. Sure, friends and family would miss me terribly, but... I hate knowing that they'd suffer for my selfishness.

Women = garbage cleaner/cook, etc

I absolutely hate it when guys take advantage of girls. It's totally sick. For instance, my brother. Need I say more? We had pizza tonight, and mom told us to clean the stuff up while she went to the store. Needless to say, my sister offered to put the leftover pizza in the fridge, and I took out a box to the garbage. I asked my brother to just put ONE BOX in the garbage, and he's like, "I'm going to the store with mom!" Underlying statement: Girls have to clean the kitchen, because that's what girls/women are for. Yeah, guys should totally make a mess and leave it for girls to clean up, like the little maids they are. Uh, no you didn't! I think there's something wrong with that picture of yours! Or do you see us as the dirty slaves ready to do your every will?

Negativity

This is not my only blog, if you were just wondering. This is one of three. The other two are on the links.
This is my "forbidden" blog. Not really, but my rents don't know it exists. And this is the one I slam them on. I love them and all, but I have to diss them once in a while.

Anyway, this is the blog I use to express my anger, depression, and less desirable negative feelings.

Shriveling

Summer is all about hanging out online and chatting to friends nonstop, right? WRONG. Or so my dad says. Just about last week he put another "restriction" period on the computer. So now we only are allowed to have 45 minutes A DAY to check email/play games/use the computer at all. And that's just for days WITHOUT school. On top of that, we can't save time and combine it into an hour and a half the next day either. So if you can't use your 45 minutes today, it's gone. And on TOP of that, me and my brother "fight" so much we can't be in the same room when one's playing. So I can't watch him play, and he can't watch me play. We can't even play PS2 together AT ALL!

I wanna cuss so bad right now until my little heart's content, but it's not in my nature.
WEL!

When I'm 16, my hangout's going to be at the library in front of a computer doing a WORKING Facebook log. Grrrrrrr.

Shoe Issues

I'm so mad at my rents right about now. They insist I wear nice shoes to a wedding. I have nice shoes that my mom supposedly agree to me wearing. Of course, my dad decides to OVERRULE that nomination. I suggest other shoes, but NOOOOO, he insists on getting me more shoes to fill my ever expanding closet.

UGH!

Anywhere but here

Not as bad as it sounds. I'm just sick of sitting here all day, nothing to do. It's in the heat of summer (no pun intended), and I'm wishing I was somewhere cool and misty.

Mist makes everything mysterious and enchanting. In the woods, it looks like a scene from a faerie tale (I like spelling it that way, deal). In the city it looks mysterious, especially at night. But yeah.

I totally wish I could go on a nature hike and explore Misty Mountains (if there were mountains with that title, I'd go). As it is, I cannot, and my family would have to come with me. It's called SOLITUDE, thank you. I like to be ALONE...

Girls

I'm going to get so slammed for this, but I don't care. I just state my mind and that's it.

I can't stand the way girls live. Especially at school. They fight emotionally, verbally abusing someone, and they are never caught and punished like the guys that physically fight.
On certain issues, like if someone's a virgin still, they pick on girls who have never had sex and call them losers, but if you have had sex they slam you too. You can never win.
Oh, need I mention the way they see 'beauty?' The only girls who qualify for beautiful are the popular "It" girls. Most of them are sticks, have no muscle (or fat) at all, and are so stuck up and cruel that they are disliked by almost the entire school community. The other 'nerd' and unpopular girls are definitely stamped UGLY by their peers. The 'fat' girls are mocked and rejected, because everyone knows fat chicks don't attract guys (well if that's the case, explain to me how I've managed to be liked by most guys I come in contact with). Goth/emo girls are naturally shunned by school society for their black appearance. Smart girls tend to be included with the nerd clique, and are naturally hated for their intelligence (but of course no one hates them at the moment because at the moment it's the beauty that counts and not the brains). Marching band chicks are the BAND GEEKS (but most are proud to be band geeks and don't care what their peers think). And other girls whom no one notices regularly are givin the term INVISIBLE. But also, the sporty girls are the most popular, and they "always" get the guy. WEL (whatever loser)

Guys, however, mostly don't care what girls look like (unless they're the shallow type that only goes for gorgeous girls and nothing else). It sounds cheesy when I say it, but the guys go for the personality and truest heart. Most of the time they don't care what you wear, how popular you are, how much you weigh, how muscular you are, or what other people think of you. Now if they think you're a prostitute (I don't care for the slang, thank you), then they probably won't go for you.
Let's see... in middle school, I had lots of friends (from "smart" classes, Newbery Club, band, etc), and though I considered myself popular, I wasn't IT popular. One guy who was in most of my classes (and Newbery) really liked me. Of course I must say here it wasn't a BF/GF relationship, and we never dated (he attempted like five times to ask me out but was rejected). Turns out he'd liked me from the 6th grade, and finally said he liked me in the 7th. I guess he wasn't what he was looking for in a girl (he hung out with a branch of the IT clique), so he dumped me, thank goodness. BTW, being single has its perks: freedom from having to not think about a guy 24/7 (thank you hormones) and being open to other options, but not for me.
I'm still popular with friends from marching band, honors classes, old schools, church, etc. I've got really good friends in all my classes, and I have a few guy friends (not BF, not going there until either Senior year or college, especially the dating part). I don't think the IT clique bothers me (it did in middle school since I came in contact with them everyday... ugh) as much, since I hardly ever see them. But if I do, I smile and wave like a civilized person would do.

Wow, that's a lot of writing. Sorry. If I get on a good topic, you can't stop me.

"Protection"

BUTT OUT. I have this issue with parents being on our hangout sites (like blogs). It's them watching us at home AND on the Internet. I love how they're being protective of us, but they're being a little too protective. Blogs to me are online diaries where we can say what we want about whatever we want. To have a parent read my diary is totally brutal.

THIS IS FOR OUR EYES ONLY.

"Kids having kids"

Yeah, teen girls have sex and get pregnant. They make mistakes (sometimes really big ones). Don't you think they pay for their mistakes enough by having to raise their baby themselves? But of course people have to butt in and make totally rude comments, like "children having children" and stuff. And the whole "parents aren't supportive." Thanks for the help... NOT!
OK, and the whole sex and abstinence issue: just don't risk pregnancy. DON'T HAVE SEX. I myself push for the whole abstinence thing. And most girls (teen moms) said they wished they had waited. Enjoy it when you're out of school AND MARRIED. That way you can spend the rest of high school and college doing fun stuff instead of being stuck at home caring for a baby. Even though you want to have sex (even with condoms), don't... Besides, birth looks and is painful, like, REALLY painful.

TRUE LOVE WAITS.

HAGS

Dude, it's the last day of school today (for most people), so have fun at the beach, in another state, chilling out at home, or whatever you peeps do during the summer.
HAGS!

Security!

Ok, so me and my friends were at the mall today celebrating the end of school for the summer. We went to Dillard's (after eating and other shopping, but whatever) and decided to play hide and seek in the store, since it was big and it was two stories tall. We went up the escalator to the second floor and were trying to figure out who could be it, when some guy walked up to us and asked what we were doing and if we needed any help. Of course, it happens to be a security guard. Keep in mind, it's just the six or eight of us in a group trying to play an innocent game of hide and seek and this security person comes up and starts playing babysitter. We're mature teens for crying out loud! We can take care of ourselves. It wasn't like we were going to shoplift anything.
It irks me when me and my friends are somewhere laughing and having a good time and some authority comes up and breaks up our party. UGH! Why do they do this to us? I mean, we're mature, we can handle it. But no, they insist on watching us like hawks to make sure we don't get "out of hand."
Basically, whenever any of us get into large groups, someone always has to break up our fun. Gee, thanks for the awesome time (not).

K9 Protection = no freedom

Mom technically doesn't know this blog exists, and I want to keep it that way. So no snitching, please. I'm allowed to keep a few secrets (how much is too much, I wonder???).
Anyways, our home computer has this think called K9 Protection. It blocks everything, and it stinks like crud. Oh yeah, when it comes up it has a cartoony picture of a dog and it goes "BARK BARK BARK!!!" I loathe it.
But back to the whole secret blogs thing and the K9 protection blocker, it's a little too much to handle. I mean, I'm almost 16 and I've been living in this stinking ignorance bubble for my entire life! BTW, the K9 thing blocks Youtube and such. It totally reeks. But anyways, I need some freedom here and there. For instance, I'd like:

• at least somewhat unlimited computer/internet priviledges
• no half hour computer time limits PER DAY
• some allowance (we stopped like ages ago)
• basically, I want my SOLITUDE

I love my rents and all, but they just tend to butt in to my life/social stuff at the time when I want to be left alone, and the only people I want around are my friends. Unfortunately, they don't understand that need for ALONE TIME yet, and I don't think they ever will. I'm kinda split on this whole issue right.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW AND BLOODY MY KNUCKLES UPSIDE A BRICK WALL JUST TO GET MY ANGER OUT!!! UNGH!

What's worse by the way: feeling sick from the bottled up emotions, or letting it all out on a brick wall?

Idle Worship

Celebrities. They are just regular people who higherups said had "potential." They took them to Hollywood and made them stars in movies or music. And we worship them as a society. I would complain that's so unfair, but it's life. All the same, we go onto celebrity gossip channels and look in fashion magazines to make ourselves clones of them. We look on other websites that have all the pictures of them doing whatever, all the time. Basically, that's called worship, and we are the followers. It's just sick. We don't try to be like politicians or famous presidents (normal people, anyway) because they aren't that 'famous.'
I totally feel bad for them, thrust into their whacked-out lifestyle: drugs, sex, parties, all that kind of junk. And the paparazzis take pictures of them 24/7, so much and so often that the celebs have to escape by means of private places and sunglasses. Sick, so sick.

Why is it them getting the glory for being in movies and being famous musicians? Most of the people outside Hollywood are ignored, unless they do something radical or stupid. Many of us are so much smarter than our beloved Hollywood celebs, and no one pays attention to the valedictorians of our graduating class or who has straight A's in all subjects.
That's the way society is: everyone cares more about entertainment and beauty rather than education, health, and the outdoors. I shake my head in sadness and shame for the actions of this horrible society.

Why we need it

I've heard from history that the only reason we are educated is because of one thing- politics. They want us to be educated so we can think logically, learn from history about successes and failures, and be able to understand what happens in the process of voting. That's pretty much all there is. So if we refuse to vote (even though it may be a right, but it's only that- a right), then all that education would have been for nothing. We go through tests, mountains of too much homework, textbooks, and exams, and for what? If we don't vote, all that would have been for nothing.

Sickness

I'm not talking about illness or disease, I'm referring to the internet sites that have ways to kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, most people see suicide as a way out, but this takes the cake. It's horrible. And besides, suicide is DEATH. Ever think about that? Well, duh, I guess. But anyways, if you die, there is no more sugar -injected candies/desserts, no more energy drinks, no more swimming, no more music, no more friends... it's so horrible. Suicide is scary, and besides, there's always another way out.

Music: Our Escape

Most of us walk around with iPods and earbuds in our ears, listening to our choice music. Adults and parents see that as a problem, that it's "dangerous" when we do that 24/7. But we might just listen to music for a totally different reason.
We do listen to music for the fun, but also to drown out the world. If we play our music loud enough, that's the only thing we can hear. It drowns out words and orders. Just don't listen to it all the time in school, or else the administrators will snatch it. My friend was listening to an iPod at lunch, and the admin snatched it, saying "others will steal it..." Yeah right. They had it in their ears, and the admin said someone would take it- right out of their ears, sure. I sure doubt that.
Anyways, music is our form of escape from reality. We see the world, but we hear something totally different than the natural noise of it. Then we can see how beautiful the world is, instead of it being polluted by horrible words and stuff.

Rebels

We are natural rebels in anything. Sometimes even rebels without a cause. Anyways, just saying adults should expect that, especially in school. Our natural instinct is to run away from school... So what makes someone think there can be enthusiasm in a place we naturally want to flee from? Teachers above all should respect and acknowledge that.

Free expression isn't wrong

There are TV series all about the "danger" and "problem" of us being on the Internet, talking and hanging out all the time. All the time is a little much, but blogging and chatting online isn't a problem. We're old enough to know the dangers, understand the risks, and play it safe. So if this is the case, why don't adults believe us?
This kind of stuff is free expression. If they say this is a problem, they're basically saying our form of free expression is wrong. There's got to be a law or something. That's right- freedom of speech, press, and basically expression. Violating our free expression is unconstitutional. Just saying.

You don't understand

At home everyone is happy and joyous, full of laughter and emotion. Meanwhile I, alone with my studying and pressures of prison, sit here in the dark, brain being bombarded with irrelavent information I will definitely not use in my future career. They don't understand my struggle, they don't want to listen. I need my space, and they get all into my business. I need to be left alone with my thoughts and fears, dreams and nightmares. They tell me they'll get me some help to deal with this problem of mine.
"You don't understand!" I want to shout. But I remain silent, emotions bottled up inside. This world doesn't understand me, and I can't explain it enough to make it.
All this anger, frustration, sadness, depression, bottled up inside my swelling heart. I want to make them understand, but they can't. Adults and teens are worlds apart, an age and culture the wall between the two different worlds.